Posts Tagged ‘guide’

So your post-apocoliptic body has been roaming the earth for a while now and you’ve had your share of fresh brains, hearts and lungs, you’ve swarmed with the un-dead elite and partied like it’s doomsday. The only problem is the decay, your arms are a bit loose and you’ve lost and eaten the odd finger while gorging on a fresh corpse. Never fear, you have reached the Zombie survival guide and I’m here to tell you how you can keep it all together, while still partying hard with the nouveau un-dead.

The modern Zombie has a number of tools in his or her arsenal to ensure longevity, here I’ll show you how to apply those tools and what to carry with you to ensure your body remains in tip top lurching condition.

• Twine – Strong thread or twine is essential for those times when one of your appendages has fallen off and you need to stitch yourself back together in a hurry, also it’s ideal for stitching up axe wounds, knife wounds and other deep cuts.
• Super glue – ideal for re-attaching fingers and toes and also works well to seal breaks in the skin that have been stitched up by twine. For the gents, super glue is ideal for re-attaching your little zombie, should your member become detached in the throes of orgy, that is assuming you can find where you left it of course (you may have to eat it out). Alernatively, glue a condom on your little fella to keep him in place, nobody likes a case of Mr Breaky.
• Gloves – Prevention is better than cure, keep your fingers from getting lost with a pair of gloves, leather is best as it also doubles up as a snack, but in a bind, a pair of marigolds will keep your fingers in place. Fingerless gloves should be avoided.
• Gaffer / Duct / Elephant tape – Ideal sticky stuff for keeping stuff in place, but remember, once you apply, you’ll never get it off again without taking clumps of skin with it, so use only as a permanent repair.
• Plastic bag – It’s good to keep a bag with you to collect lost body parts and keep them safe until you can find stuff to repair yourself.

So now your armed with the knowledge to keep yourself in one piece, you just need to maintain that diet of fresh brains and you can keep on lurching for years to come.