The Oscars have just gone by, and Cannes is on it’s way, we’re feeling a bit glitzy. But with all these reports of what the young-uns are up to today (Shai with his booze cruising and Bella with her bongs) it makes us want to hark back to the good ol’ days, when film stars knew how to behave. I wish we could bring back the crooners, the classic Hollywoods and old school Lotharios. Oh but we can; as zombies! Here are our top 5 film stars we want to re-animate and why.
Who doesn’t want the goddess of the silver screen re-animated? Just imagine it; she staggers towards you, giving you a blood thirsty look, not too unlike her sexy come to bed eyes, just with a bit more blood pouring out of their sockets. However she’s failed to notice her one weakness…a floor vent! As the bedraggled white dress, stained red with her victims blood, whoosh up covering her top half, you see her zombie hands confusedly struggle to contain the phantom cloth. Just for re-creating that scene she deserves to be undead. That, and also the fact that The Misfits (THE zombie band) based their name on her last film. Boop-boop-a-nom-nom-nom!
If we include ol’ Daddy Long Legs then I think we have to allow for the 28 days/ Land of the Dead style zombies; fast moving with at least some memory retention. Imagine him doing a smart little tap dance over to you then grabbing your hand and leading you in a waltz whilst subtly trying to nom your neck. Just picture him dragging an umbrella behind him as he tries to swing round a lamp post but fails as his arm tears off from it being too decomposed and is left behind still clinging on as he falls flat into a puddle. Basically dancing zombies = awesome.
Ok so I know he may not be completely confirmed as being dead but I do sure miss this classic Lothario. Maybe all this time while he’s been missing on his yacht he sumbled across a strange island with trancelike groaning inhabitants who seem to be cold to the touch… how many zombie films start like that I wonder! Maybe he could be on his way back to reclaim his title as the legend of Cannes a bit like in Zombi 2 when the yacht gets back to shore in the US with a zombie onboard. And what sort of zombie would be on board? Why an old school gentleman zombie of course. Jacque D’Zombie would be the sort who bought you dinner before eating your brains, held the door open for you to run through and he’d never take liberties such as noming you when your back is turned. As well as being a true un-dead gent we’d love to see a zombie trying to play tennis. Just imagine, he throws the ball up in the air to serve, forgets to swing and the ball lands splat straight into his hollowed out eye socket. Best potential zombie gore moment ever! Lastly he’d obviously be a prolific zombie because, just like when he went grey, he’d turn being un-dead into the latest fashion craze to hit the french riviera. The only problem is that as Jacques didn’t really age in life, would he in death? Would Jacques D’Zombie actually look like a zombie or just a regular guy, but a bit cold and groany. Who knows, but we’d like to see!
Peter Lorre/Vincent Price
These guys naturally come as a pair so why count them separately? They’re on the list for the same reasons; truly creepy horror acting that could transpose directly to real life zombie horror and they both have amazing eyes that, if coupled with the zombie red eye thing of 28 Days or even the white eye thing of Evil Dead, would scare the chainsaw right out of your hands. Vincent’s eyes pierce through to your soul with cold calculating precision, while Peter’s have a puppy dog feel to them that would just look so cool all zombied up. However, the biggest reason for these two to be granted re-animation rights is their voices. Picture zombie Peter Lorre limping after to you groaning out ‘Braaaaaaaaaains’ in that mad scientist voice of his. It would be the best! As for the zombie paring, they’d never part each others side. With Peter Lorre all short, fat and crazy looking and Vincent Price standing tall next to him giving sinister it’s rightful definition; they’d make a great team!
Elvis back from the dead in any sense is a good thing, but a zombie Elvis is something else all together. All dressed up in a sequined cat suit, covered in blood, skin peeling from his face but quiff still magically intact. We’d swear on Graceland that it would be a mouth dropping visual treat. Other Zomvis details (see what we did there) would have to include:
- Vegas style sunglasses all broken up
- Guitar neck sticking out of body somewhere
- One blue suade shoe, very trampled on
- Ability to make dogs bark at him, all the time
- Mutters catch phrase “uh huh huh”, probably mid guts meal, nom nom nom
- Frantic hip thrusting that leads to his leg bone coming clean out of his pelvis and through his skin
We’d also like it if Elvis could come back as young Elvis, relatively fresh looking, and then go through a similar ageing process to his pre death counterpart; slowly his stomach would bloat and bulge, he’d become more saggy, and the costume just wouldn’t quite fit and eventually he would explode having eaten way too many brains.
Who would you like to see reborn undead and looking awesome? Did we miss out a key player, or feature for our listed ghouls? Chip in with your ideas below!